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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Relationship Status: eating
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
It’s not pretty being easy.