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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.