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I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.