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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.