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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....