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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!