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I wish I had a friend like me
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.