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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.