Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
You look like I need another drink
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.