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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
We get it poets: things are like other things
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.