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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…