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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.