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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.