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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.