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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.