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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.