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If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.