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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.