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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn