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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.