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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.