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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.