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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic