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Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.