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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?