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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Keep calm and drink on.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.