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Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"