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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them