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See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.