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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
heyy lol
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride