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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.