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I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver