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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.