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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Gym update: not there
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.