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Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Better late than pregnant.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.