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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....