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Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.