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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.