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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
pudding... thats always a funny word
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun