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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.