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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.