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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
My pants are 75% off.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!