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The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.