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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.