Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.