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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!