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I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."