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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!