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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.