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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.