Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Mondays should start at noon.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.