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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.