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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."