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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.