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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.