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Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face