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Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.