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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people