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The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!