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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
The secret to success is in my bra.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even Iām not sure if Iām kidding or not.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?