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To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.