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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.