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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.