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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.