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I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Iām actually not funny. Iām just really mean & people think Iām joking.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science