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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.