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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”