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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.