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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m