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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. Iām really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Good job on the speed traps, cops ā How are the murderer traps coming along?
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.