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If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
is ready to have one too many!