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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...