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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Velcro is a ripoff
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!