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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?