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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking