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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Remember when the world ended last year?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?