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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.