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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol