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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."