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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.