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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers