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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.