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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
We get it poets: things are like other things
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I hate when Iām walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.