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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.