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First fart at my new job.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
You could pleasure me just by walking away.