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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.