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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when Iām making a questionable decision for my life.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them