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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!