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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
The older I get the better I used to be.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.