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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
sleep is for people without netflix
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.