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Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.