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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.