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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.