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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.