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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.