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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right