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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Gym Update: Not there.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.