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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.