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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.