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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.