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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.