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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.