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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...