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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF