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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...