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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.