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I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....