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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.