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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...