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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Siri, where are my pants?
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.