Daily Silly Status

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy

When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"

I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.

I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.

I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!

Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.