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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time