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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.