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Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.