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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
HR have advised that Iām not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.