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Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."