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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.