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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
Iām not always rude. Sometimes Iām sleeping.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"ā¦