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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I dare you to spit on this status.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch