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I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.