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I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.