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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.