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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.