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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette