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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.