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Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.