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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...