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I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.