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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"