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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
My life is based on a true story
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches