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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.