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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I grew up for this?
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.