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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.