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Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.