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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.