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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.