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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave