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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.